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In Which I Talk About Myself and Fear
So what do I fear? Too many things to name. But I've been trying to figure out what I fear most. Something's holding me back. Well, I'm holding me back, but why? Why would I do that when I have every reason to be encouraged (and I do). I really don't know. But whatever that deep-rooted, paralyzing fear is, it's creating compound fears. I'm now frightened that it's not fear but maybe I just don't have what it takes to be a published author.
Amusing, since I've never even been in the trenches....
But that's sort of the problem. If you've been following my blog for a while, you'll know I used to have trouble just finishing a manuscript. I'd fall out of love with an MS when I'd meet The Middle and allow myself to be seduced by a Shiny New Idea. I feel like I've gotten past that, but now I'm struggling with revision.
Every time I get deep into revision, I find I can't stand what I've written and want to rewrite the manuscript entirely. To the point that it makes me sick to keep working on it the way it is. Do you see the problem? I'm forever starting over. And if I keep doing this, I'll never have something to query. I'll never be the kind of writer an agent will want to represent. And I'll never have the writing career I dream of.
But there's no way in heck I'm going to query an agent with something I don't absolutely love and feel confident in. How can I expect them to get behind me and my work 100% when I'm not? I can't and I won't. So what's wrong with me? Why don't I love my writing like so many of you seem to? Where's my motivation to finish. What do I fear that paralyzes me this much?
I don't know, exactly, but I do know I'm afraid I won't live up to your expectations. I'm afraid I'll let you all down while I continue to let myself down. And I'm afraid I just don't have what it takes.
Some of you have noticed that I've sort of disappeared behind my blog features. I think this has a lot to do with that. I haven't wanted you to see that I'm not making as much progress as I'd like. That, as much as I've been revising, I'm no where near querying. That I could be a failure. But now that it's out there, I hope I can come back out a little.
Is there anyone else that has or has had the same problem as me? Everyone I know seems to have the problem of rejection and/or waiting and wondering, but I can't seem to even get that far. I'm feeling a little alienated by myself.
But it helps having you all here, around me, sharing your fears, and it especially helps when I see you succeeding.
What do you fear?